The Pitfalls of Passive Parenting

Parenting is hard! I’ve been a dad for 34 years, raised three of my own and played a part in raising another 10 foster children with my wife Lori by my side. I’m still learning new parenting lessons every day. There was one from my study last week that really stood out, and I’m sure it will challenge and help all of us to be the best parents, grandparents and influencers we can be for the children in our families and church family.  

Passive parenting is risky and can result in devastating consequences.

In scripture, Jacob showed clear tendencies of being an aloof, self-absorbed, passive parent, and a distant dad, not only in the way he handled the situation with his sons' vengeful response to his daughter’s rape but also in the way he initially handled his eldest son Reuben’s deplorable act.  (Genesis 34)

The truth is, Jacob’s children then, and our children now, need more than passive parents; they need fully present parents!  Jacob’s children needed a dad who was not aloof and distant, but a dad who was aware and determined to bring his children up in the way they should go… to love them, to guide them and to teach them what it meant to love and honor God!  

Listen carefully; your children need you today more than ever! They have influencers in their face every waking hour these days. When I was young, we didn't face the perpetual influence kids face today. I played outside a lot; as a boy, I hung out with my dad and other male family members. I watched TV for entertainment, but we only had four channels and the shows I watched were wholesome and kid-friendly.  

Many children today don’t watch shows like I watched; they have far more options on their phones, tablets and TV’s. Many mindlessly surf social media. Most aren't playing outside; instead they’re glued to a screen for hours on end. Lots are playing violent and explicit video games. It’s a different time, I know, but this is no time to be a passive, disconnected, unconcerned parent or influencer. Your children need you fully present today more than ever!  

I’m not saying you should hover like a helicopter over your children; that’s not good either, but this is no time to let culture be the primary influencer in your child’s life. That will only lead to chaos and confusion. Consider where society is today; it is filled with hopelessly confused youth and young adults, perhaps in part because of too much passive parenting in the recent past. Children need your influence above all other influencers in culture, especially in their spiritual/faith development.  

Consider what God’s Word teaches us about being fully present with our children:

6 Start children off on the way they should go,

    and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Notice that love for the Lord starts in your heart, then you impress your faith on your children every chance you get in your daily life so they will come to love the Lord too! Cultural, worldly influences only lead to chaos and confusion. This is why society is in such disarray today. Too many parents in recent history have put other endeavors and interests ahead of what matters most… raising our children to know and love the Lord.  

It’s easy to get distracted by our own interests and ambitions, whether it’s earning more money, pursuing the next promotion, putting another toy in the garage, or planning that next big adventure. All of those things can be good, but none will be best when they interfere with what matters most… being fully present with our children and leading them to know and love the Lord!

Kids don’t need another toy or a bigger house or a newer SUV; they need you to be present and to parent them. Jacob’s family really struggled, for a lot of reasons, but to a certain extent, because he was passive parent, a distant dad. His children needed him to be present and lead them only as he could.  

How ‘bout you?  Are you passive or are you fully present with your children, grandchildren, or the children that you influence? For much more, click here to listen to: Resilient - Part 2 - When Your Life is in a Pit! In that message, we also learn about the dangers of jealousy, anger and bitterness and what to do when you're in a pit of despair.